Rape Resources
What to do if you have been raped
The Aftermath of Rape
SA Rape Statistics
Sexual Offences Bill
Literature and Movies
Influences on Sexual Violence
Scientific Theories on Sexual Abuse
Healing and Coping
Male Rape
Journal Articles & Publications
Date Rape
|
UNIQUE ISSUES FACED BY MALE SURVIVORS
There is great societal denial of the fact that men get sexually assaulted. Chances are-- except for the occasional bad prison joke--most of us don't ever hear about the topic of male sexual assault. The need to deny the existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimized, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is that men can't be forced into sex-- either they want it or they don't.
These mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs leave the male survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and "less of a man."
No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5 to 20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime-- the percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.
Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors may experience:
- For most men the idea of being a victim is very hard to handle. We're raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect. How many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the "manly" hero is prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Surely, you're supposed to fight to the death over something like unwanted sexual advances...right? These beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual assault.
- Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back." These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren't necessarily true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive-- there's nothing unmasculine about that.
- As a result of their guilt, shame and anger some men punish themselves by getting into self-destructive behavior after being sexually assaulted. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Many men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It's easy to see why male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed, getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol and drug problems.
- Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.
- For heterosexual men, sexual assault almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their sexuality. Since many people believe that only gay men are sexually assaulted, a heterosexual survivor may begin to believe that he must be gay or that he will become gay. Furthermore, perpetrators often accuse their victims of enjoying the sexual assault, leading some survivors to question their own experiences. In fact, being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with sexual orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a result of being sexually assaulted.
- For gay men, sexual assault can lead to feelings of self-blame and self-loathing attached to their sexuality. There is already enough homophobic sentiment in society to make many gay men suffer from internal conflicts about their sexuality. Being sexually assaulted may lead a gay man to believe he somehow "deserved it," that he was "paying the price" for his sexual orientation. Unfortunately, this self-blame can be reinforced by the ignorance or intolerance of others who blame the victim by suggesting that a gay victim somehow provoked the assault or was less harmed by it because he was gay. Gay men may also hesitate to report a sexual assault due to fears of blame, disbelief or intolerance by police or medical personnel. As a result gay men may be deprived of legal protections and necessary medical care following an assault.
Some sexual assaults of men are actually forms of gay-bashing, motivated by fear and hatred of homosexuality. In these cases, perpetrators may verbally abuse their victims and imply that the victim deserved to be sexually assaulted. It's important to remember that sexual assault is an act of violence, power and control and that no one deserves it.
Getting Back On Track
It is important for you to know that your reactions are normal and temporary reactions to an abnormal event.
The fear and confusion will lessen with time, but the trauma may disrupt your life for awhile. You may experience any or all of the reactions on the last few pages. Some reactions may be triggered by people, places or things connected to the assault, while other reactions may seem to come from "out of the blue." Remember that no matter how much difficulty you're having dealing with the assault, it does not mean you're "going crazy" or becoming "mentally ill."
Talking about the assault will help you feel better, but may also be really hard to do. In fact, it's common to want to avoid conversations and situations that may remind you of the assault. You may have a sense of wanting to "get on with life" and "let the past be the past." This is a normal part of the recovery process and may last for weeks or months.
Eventually you will need to deal with your feelings in order to heal and regain a sense of control over your life. Talking with someone who can listen and understand -- whether it's a friend, family member, hotline counselor or therapist -- is a key part of this process.
It's important to understand that you may not be able to function at 100% capacity for a while following a major trauma like sexual assault. You may have problems concentrating or remembering things and may feel tired or edgy. You may also take longer to recover from everyday stresses, kinda like when you go back to work or school too early after having the flu. Don't be too hard on yourself -- you need time to recover emotionally and that may detract from your energy for awhile.
Ways To Take Care of Yourself
- Get support from friends and family-- try to identify people you trust to validate your feelings. Spend time with people who know your strengths and positive qualities. Try not to isolate yourself.
- Talk about the assault and express feelings -- you can choose when, where, and with whom. You can also decide how much or how little to talk about.
- Use stress reduction techniques -- hard exercise like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, weight-lifting; relaxation techniques like yoga, massage, music, prayer and/or meditation.
- Maintain a balanced diet and sleep cycle and avoid overusing caffeine, sugar, nicotine, alcohol or other drugs.
- Take "time outs." Give yourself permission to take quiet moments to reflect, relax and rejuvenate -- especially during times you feel stressed or unsafe.
- Try reading. Reading can be a relaxing, healing activity. Try to find short periods of uninterrupted leisure reading time.
- Consider writing or journaling as a way of expressing thoughts and feelings.
- Release some of the hurt and anger in a healthy way: Write a letter about how you feel about what happened to you. Be as specific as you can. You also can draw pictures about the anger or hurt you feel as a way of releasing the emotional pain.
- Remember you are safe, even if you don't feel it. The assault is over. It may take longer than you'd like, but you will feel better.
- Get into counseling. The UT Counseling and Mental Health Center is here for you. You paid for your services when you paid tuition so take advantage of them. UT Telephone Counseling is also available if you'd prefer to remain anonymous or don't feel comfortable with coming into the Counseling Center. Safeplace, formerly known as Austin Rape Crisis Center, is also available for counseling and referral services.
How Family & Friends Can Help
After a sexual assault, the victim needs to:
- Get medical attention.
- Feel safe.
- Be believed.
- Know it wasn't his fault.
- Take control of his life.
Things you can do to help:
- Listen, don't judge. Try to simply understand his feelings.
- Offer shelter. If possible, stay with him at his place or let him stay at yours.
- Be there and give comfort. He may need to talk a lot or at odd hours at the
beginning. Be there as much as you can and encourage him to talk to others.
- Encourage him to seek professional help (See List of Resources at the end of
the brochure).
- Be patient. Don't try to rush the healing process or quickly "make it better."
- Accept his choice of what to do about the sexual assault -- don't be overly
protective. Ask him what he needs, help him list his options, then encourage
him to make his own decisions. Even if you disagree. It is very important
that he make his own decisions and have them respected.
- Put aside your feelings and get support for yourself. It may be too overwhelming for him to deal with your angry feelings on top of his own. If you have strong angry feelings or feelings of blame toward the survivor, talk to a friend or call a hotline.
|
